Live from New York it’s…. Oh God Please Not Him!
RANT
Elon Musk is hosting SNL this week and it’s the mother’s day that NO woman wants. I mean why have a smart, talented, and deserving woman in Hollywood who happens to be a mama, host one of the best slots of the season? The mother’s day episode usually produces mega-hits like The Day You Were Born, 1-800 Flowers, or The Perfect Mother. But what possible gem could we get from a man that is nothing more than an overgrown twelve-year-old edge lord? How many 420 sketches will he pitch before Bowen Yang strains his eyes from rolling them too hard?
This isn’t about Elon Musk being a terrible human being, because he is, this is about television! Saturday Night Live has never claimed to be pulpit from which the gospel of moral righteousness is espoused.
Sure it’s got some woke-flavored jokes, but it has whored itself out for the ratings before… COUGH Donald Trump COUGH.
I don’t doubt the ratings are going to look like Tesla stock when Grimes hides his phone to stop him from tweeting but you know, I know, hell, even Martians know, Elon Musk’s performance is gonna crash faster than a SpaceX landing. But what billionaire is without mountains of tax-evading hubris? Because E is outsourcing his work on Twitter to come up with sketches. But since I don’t follow him, I decided to save my ideas for here.
These are my ideas for SNL sketches for Elon Musk on Mother’s Day.
-Elon Musk opens up a school for boys in the Democratic Republic of the Congo dressed as Mr. Kotter from Welcome Back, Kotter. Sadly no one shows up because they are too busy working the cobalt mines to make the batteries for Tesla. In the end, someone calls him a pedophile.
-Elon Musk and Grimes have a BBQ to welcome their new neighbors in Texas. The big hair southern wives snicker about Elon and Grime’s son named X AE A12, as they yell at their kids named Jaedee, Braxtynn, Braxlynn, and Kashton. Grimes serves everyone Butter Toast.
-Elon visits his dad for Mother’s day and his new stepmother, who also happens to be his former step-sister. Because oh that’s right, Elon Musk’s father, Errol Musk, had a baby with his step-daughter. The whole thing is super awkward and cringy because…. it is super cringy.
-Azealia Bank and Elon Musk settle their beef with a rap battle à la 8 Mile… something something Grimes Spaghetti.
-Unionist chase Elon in the Tesla Factory and he hides in a car. It turns on and is a “self-driving” model that talks like the car from Nightrider, or Hal from Space Odyssey. In the end, it crashes.
-Some kind of WandaVision spoof but that’s all I have so far.
-Nothing and we ask Miley Cyrus to do double duty and host and sing because men with obscene wealth while people in this country starve, that question a global pandemic, and knowingly profit off of child labor should maybe NOT get to a chance to fool people into thinking they are charming, relatable, or anything but the evil they are.
Tell Lorne he can call Sunday when I’m rose drunk reading reviews.
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